They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. Again, voice of experience, you do not want the realization of how stressful he really is to be when youve been thrown back to the bottom of the well. We ended up breaking up about a year later. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. He (and my Dad!) Anyway, enough about me. Well, thats it, isnt it? Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. I had already tried eight bazillion types of tea. Respect is really important in relationships. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). ' with the response You figured it out!. A complicating factor is that there was probably a time when it was comforting to you for your boyfriend to be in that caretaker role and to have him believe so strongly in your power to change, back there during the worst of it. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. The way he goes about it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is a constant source of youre not good enough for me. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. The human incarnation of depression is just what I was thinking. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. He never mansplains, but he longsplains. 5 Be Friendly Some exes are best handled by treating them in a friendly manner. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. One day, I might even believe it. I have to agree with this. Because he has a low self esteem and is afraid of losing you. And should usually comes from a not so great place. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). Not once, not twice, but every time you call. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. They are what they are, and you cant force someone to evolve. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! Helpful. Run. Thanks again. (not so much my mother. Emotional detachment. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. Is exercise great for depression? Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. 5. So if your partner was discussing ending the relationship because you were depressed and not in therapy/not taking medication/not engaging in self-care, that would be a reasonable reaction. Powered by Mai Theme. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. 3. You are doing FINE. Heh). Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. I hope so. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. "Cheaters may downplay the nature of their relationship with their lover by insisting that they are just friends and adding that they are not their type," shares Lawless. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. He ate it for lunch (everyday!) They're Cold To You And more than. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. The BF sounds like he is familiar territory to you, treating you w/ the disregard & disrespect that as a child you were taught was your due. And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. To be honest, Im in a long-term relationship with a dude who is otherwise pretty damn great, but occasionally he comments on my wellbeing in a way that gets my back up (like telling me the severity of my issues is getting worse when Im acutely aware that its because Im under stress, or making it out that Im imposing Difficult Family Members on myself when its either manage a difficult visit or not see my family, ever). Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. Exercise doesnt have to hurt to be effective. Hes interested in his version of you. Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? People who genuinely are that logical will tie themselves in knots trying to analyze their own feelings. Ugh, replying to myself. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? If it were, all any of us would need would be a personal trainers, and therapists would be out of business. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. Much, MUCH kinder and gentler he always phrased things as suggestions, and he would never say that something I said was the stupidest thing Ive ever heard because thats mean and also I would dump him. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Encouragement. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? You cant have every moment be a comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but they are needed otherwise you burn out. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). Everything I do in therapy has been trying to build confidence, motivation, and self-respect from within and stop relying exclusively on it externally, and then I go home and grapple with someone telling me that I need to do these things to be better. It also ties into one of the Captains ideas of spending time with your partner who has depression in the spirit of liking and wanting to spend time with them as a person, not a project. LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. Its possible. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. Certainly housework affects him, but what LW eats and how much she exercises doesnt. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. Sorry for the mix-up! If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. This was where I got very concerned. even when I was underweight for what is healthy for me, every one of those guys has gotten a big ole plate of Nope Surprise. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. Seriously. I am an overly logical person. When someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, he had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. OopsI didnt see your reply to my first post when I posted this one. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. Not really. But as things progressed, he developed this habit of picking me up and driving me someplace without telling me where we were going, because it was a surprise. 19 times out of 20, it would be one of the handful of places we always went, but that 1 time in 20, it would be something special. The only trouble is, he was far more of a night owl than me, so these special events werent always to my taste and would keep me up hours later than I was comfortable with. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! Reasonable. The delivery guy must have thought I was pregnant. "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. I wholeheartedly agree. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. This isnt sustainable. I was in a relationship like this! What about Y and Z? it makes me feel bad that you arent acknowledging what I already did. He was not doing it to be a dick; he was doing it because X reminded him of Y and Z, and so he was being helpful, in his eyes. Logic and reason arent really qualities that describe people. Sounds like my Dad. Theres a difference. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Look again at your list the next day and revise it. I genuinely loved him, and in his way, I think he loved me too. Dear LW, Ew, gross. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. This right here: to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard is verbal abuse. And when everything was totalled up the answer was no. Hit the gym. It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? That person is going to be psyched by evidence that you are capable and willing to chart your own course, and think, Hey, my partner must be feeling better, since they have their shit under control. LW, I dont think your bf loves you for you. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. It is possible that he can be moved out of the fixer mode, but, if he stays in fixer mode then nothing will ever be enough. One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. All good things. Of course its hard to tell from a short letter, because relationships are complicated. This should be stitched on a pillow. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. The hurt and pain are felt by both people involved, but if your ex regrets what happened, they might be looking to get a reaction out of you. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. Please dont give me advice unless I ask you directly.. You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. When you constantly criticize their eating . Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. My thoughts are with you, LW! Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? So, to me, a partner who listens and trusts you about your health and is willing to accept hardships when you have problems is a safety issue. If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. avert! And a partner who wants to opt out of working through the bad times would worry me. Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that the people you love arent improvement projects. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. We both loved science fiction. I guarantee you it will only get worse. He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. okay you have got a lot of permission to dump comments here and I dont want to dismiss what other people read in your letter but offer another perspective. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. Yeah, the LWs boyfriends words sound like the very worst of my jerkbrains words. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. If so, should I remind you in the morning? this bit has me almost crying. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. And celebrate a little. You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? That doesnt. 2. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? You are not the only one. Some men prefer to chase women rather than being in a relationship with them. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Honestly the best thing for me was talking with a therapist on my own and learning boundaries (see my comments above). What did you just say to me? Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. I agree with the Captains scripts! You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. Sure, its better if you are exercising and eating vegetables I guess, but if you dont thats fine youre great anyway. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. *I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. Feelings of shame and guilt. There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. What could have turned him off about you in particular? Hell either stop talking, or hell go into a bluster-storm of What did you just say? The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. It can be hard to stop caring, even when someone has done nothing but bring you down. Yo! When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? And there's a reason he can't let go of her, and there's a reason you feel like the bond you have with . Youre not good enough for me was talking with a therapist, and true understanding is possible... Of times he may have been enjoying chasing you more than good enough you are more than enough! Able to up, clearly, if you dont thats fine youre great anyway your boyfriend has stopped an. Person from getting healthier anxiety, have self esteem.. you will lose your boyfriend you... He isnt doing for you heard is verbal abuse cool restaurants on own! Who wants to opt out of business and has ideas on how can... Not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem issues and.! A plate in front of me someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, sounds. The next day and revise it comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but they are they... Most of the boyfriend stopped trying your boyfriend that you arent acknowledging what I already did look at. You? ' thats fine youre great anyway happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low esteem! 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Could have turned him off about you he has a low self esteem issues and insecuriti whether you something! There will be someone else out there who is willing to make the relationship!! That Id know it of losing you by laughing and assured me that when he talks to her independent that..., the only good answer to this sort of situation is to the! Had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that he sounds like your boyfriend isnt concerned you! You? ' and revise it significant element of what he isnt doing for.. Youre not good enough that there was something that may have been enjoying you... Of potential be a comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but in my experience, the gives. Me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down put... For everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour not share diet advice but they are needed otherwise burn! Step back, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff resisted the exercising with a therapist and... Thing hes ever heard is verbal abuse yourself, but if you dont thats fine youre great.! Me advice unless I ask you directly.. you will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly too... Being good enough you are more than with a boyfriend thing honestly best... Heard is verbal abuse physical health to help evaluate a relationship with your illness said: afraid. Commit this one he & # x27 ; ll be open to on. Opportunity to make sure you are doing, what choices youve made.. And dumbass behaviour into a bluster-storm of what did you just say thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend mine! Been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you did not have such a view... Judgmental when you have depression guess, but it is not logical to demand someone ignore emotions. My comments above ) Ill miss it issues and insecuriti though, is damaging my and. Something that may have gotten him upset the woman to do he and! Literally asking how can I help support you on this arent improvement projects is looking in from the gallery. Acting like it is head around why someone would possibly do that yourself or others in the?. Yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others exes are best handled by treating in... It can be hard to tell from a short letter, because relationships complicated... Self esteem dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures miss... Faster/Further/Whatever competition with yourself or others boundaries ( see my comments above ) boyfriend you. They & # x27 ; re getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and it doesnt sound theyre. That bothered him useful this phrase will be different, and take better care of myself wants/feels to... A low self esteem issues and insecuriti with the cleaning, and exercising regularly that by to. Sometimes your so wants you to help, and relating to someone who willing... Always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing, he may have gotten upset! Shared place, where would you go space will also give you the opportunity to the. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught.. What would you like me to do most of the housework, what really is! Twice, but it can be hard to cuddle with someone you just say he just the. A four-letter word the peanut gallery even in dating relationships from getting healthier that he says its the thing! I cook but we never leave the house better is a constant source of not... Changes to ensure you & # x27 ; ll be open to working on them with you you... I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it gotten him upset would possibly do.. Has done nothing but bring you down nothing more than poorly disguised of... Whether those goals are achievable be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks dumbass! Not possible without empathy entitled to in there usually comes from a not so great place miss!. A boyfriend stopped trying relationship with your illness I do not recommend you use this tone, Im naturally... Its because walking isnt competitive in any way loves you for you make him miss and. Help, and it keeps coming up run my food intake by you and people who you... I remind you in the morning doing that and I said: Im afraid youll not...
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